Woe Is Me!

Hello there blaudience! You may or may not have noticed that I haven't posted in awhile. Well get ready for the excuse, because here it comes: last week my less-than-a-year-old laptop decided to become a severe introvert and will no longer start, light up any lights at all, or function in any capacity. I should have known something was up when it started wearing all black and hiding out in my room listening to emo music all day, but alas, it still took me by surprise. After two hours on the phone with Dell tech support, they deduced that they had no idea how to fix the computer and I must mail it in to them. Sigh. To make matters worse, my U of I application is due on October 16 and all of my documents were on that computer (resume, personal statement, interview with a school librarian...). Fortunately, I had emailed several of these documents to various people to edit for me and was able to recover them in an unfinished state (but at least it WAS a state). For the librarian interview I was not so lucky, as that one had been recorded and saved in iTunes. So, I had to email the librarian I interviewed, explain the situation, and ask her in a very groveling manner if she would mind re-answering a few of the questions again via email since our interview occured four months ago and the details were a bit fuzzy in my mind. She was wonderful and replied right away, so no worries there. Now I have no excuse as to why I can't finish those last two essays. Dammit.

Anyway, I'm currently posting from my old, rather slow, and extremely outdated desktop computer which I managed to hook back up to the Internet and get back in working order for the time being. I mean none of this as an insult to said computer, as it is currently saving my ass from not having any access to the Internet at home (the horror!!), as well as allowing me to finish my application. However, for the past almost-year I've been reclining on the couch, with a cozy blanket, a cup of tea and my laptop while I mess around on the Internet and take care of any business requiring a computer. Now I'm forced to sit at a desk again, which I do all day at work and am therefore loathe to do in my few hours of free time at home. I should get the god forsaken laptop back in a few weeks (just in time for the U of I application deadline to be over!), so keep all fingers and toes crossed that they can actually fix it. If not, the laptop won't be the only one wearing all black and listening to emo music on repeat while banging its head against the wall.

Things are stressful enough as it is. You know this whole "I'm Going to Grad School!" thing I've been talking about for the past six months or so? The "Won't it be awesome to meet new people, take interesting classes, be on a college campus again, and maybe-if-I'm-lucky meet my Person?" thoughts that have been rolling around in my head for awhile now? Well, I think that up until now I hadn't really thought about it actually happening. I mean, it all seemed so far off and in the future and I have all the time in the world, la de da. But, ahem, it's kind of happening now. I've sent in one application, and the next one is due in less than two weeks. In ten weeks I'll be done with my job (!!!), I'll have one week to find an apartment wherever I end up, I'll go home for the holidays, and then I'll be MOVING. To a completely DIFFERENT TOWN. Where I know NOT A SINGLE PERSON. Guh.

I am the first to admit that I am horrendous when it comes to change. I hate it hate hate hate, and why can't I just pick up my life as it currently stands, apartment, friends, lake-across-the-street, favorite restaurants and hang outs, and relocate it all to my school of choice? Starting over is just so hard. I've been in Chicago for six years now. I know where things are, I always have someone to hang out with or call and vent about work (and since we work at the same place, we know what each other is talking about), I have routines and familiar annual events and organizations I belong to and all of that will be gone when I leave.

I love my apartment. It will be one of the things I miss most of all. It's the perfect size for me, I can see Lake Michigan from my living room window, and it's cozy and awesome. I was lucky enough to make it into the Evanston Symphony Orchestra five years ago--one of the best community orchestras in the state--and now I'll have to leave that behind. Not to mention all of my friends. I'm an extremely social person and I don't do well on my own for very long. A few days is fine, but then I get restless and lonely. Now I get to fight those battles again, just like when I first moved here. And just when I'll start to feel settled at grad school, it'll be over and I'll have to do it all again.

Not to mention that while I love Chicago, I have a feeling I won't be back after school. I've been away from my family for over ten years, and I think it's time to be closer. While I don't know much about it, and I'm sure it's very nice, thinking about moving to Kansas City after school makes me kind of sad. Almost like I'm giving up my independent and "adventurous" single life in a big exciting city and settling down in a place that I'm not drawn to at all other than the fact that it's close to my family. Which is a huge consideration, but at what cost? Kansas City doesn't have the history of Boston, the sexiness of New York, the excitment of L.A., the size and wealth of unique things to do of Chicago, the bohemian artsy granola culture of San Francisco, the beauty of Colorado. The only thing drawing me there is that it's close to my family. Is that enough? I know I still have two years to decide, but already it's weighing on me heavily. What makes Kansas City unique? What makes it better than other cities out there? If you know, I'd appreciate a shout out.

Anyway, those are the thoughts that are battling it out in my brain right now (Don't you wish you were me? Thought so!). Thanks for letting me get them off my chest. I know it'll all work out the way it's supposed to, but you see, there's that whole change thing I was talking about earlier. It makes me all angsty-like.

Well, that and the thought of packing...